Sports

SOME WORDS CAN MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO PEOPLE

By John N. Felsher/SPECIAL TO THE COMMERCIAL
Monday, October 22, 2007 10:01 AM CDT

In our euphemistic, politically correct age, different words mean different things to different people.

Politicians only tell people what they want to hear. Some state and national leaders make entire careers out of twisting words and redefining definitions enough to make Noah Webster spin in his grave, depending upon how they define “spin.”

I spent 12 years working for the federal government as a spokesmodel. (OK, I see you didn’t buy that last part. Would you believe that I was the guy who ran too slowly to escape, so the general thrust me in front of the television cameras every time the Air Force did something stupid?)

As a government spokesman, I always told the truth, or at least some form of it, but obfuscation also works well. (“Our progress had negative growth effectiveness, but we anticipate great success if our new plan achieves its dedicated milestones.” Translation, “We screwed up and have our fingers crossed that everything goes better the second time.”)

As a professional writer, I’ve carried over that training into my new career. For instance, while sitting pensively pondering space one day, a mean person might ask, “What are you doing, Fool?”

To my wife, Sweetums, I might reply, “I’m thinking of the title for my third novel.”

From that little bit of conversation, a person might conclude that I: 1. had already written two best-selling novels and was diligently working on a third, possibly with a Steven Spielberg movie deal on the side; 2. was just lazy and goofing off. 3. was a smart aleck and didn’t want to be bothered.

(The last two answers are reserved for my wife’s exclusive use.)

The correct answer, of course, is 1. Yes, I was thinking of a title for my third novel. I already thought up good two good titles. One day, I may actually write a word or two on those novels. All that remains is to put another million or so words together and I’ll be ready to publish them.

The same philosophy transfers over to hunting and fishing, where everyone always tells the whole truth! Once, I told my wife I was going out to bag a deer and would be back in 20 minutes. At the predicted time, I returned home with the venison — encased in a plastic bag stuffed into an ice chest.

I did bag the deer; I just didn’t shoot it. It was already dead, skinned, butchered, iced and waiting for me to pick it up and shove it into a bag, courtesy of a friend who did shoot it. Getting game is so much easier that way than actually sitting in a freezing tree stand for hours!

Did I lie? Far from it. Someone may have misconstrued my intention and reached a different conclusion, but that’s not my problem.

In fishing, let’s say, I return to the dock one afternoon after fishing most of the day. An angler asks, “How’d you do?”

“Got my limit,” I might reply.

That person may leave the landing thinking, “Man, that Felsh! He knows his fish. I didn’t catch anything today, not even a nibble.”

What the inquisitive angler didn’t realize was that by “limit,” I meant I had my limit of sun, waves, wind, spray, insects, bothersome other boaters, personal watercraft, driving, parking, fumes and other annoyances that go with a day on the water. I was hungry, tired, cranky, out of coffee and had enough fun for one day. I reached my limit and it was time to go home and take a nap, even if I didn’t get a single bite.

Although fishermen certainly captured the lead in “stretching the truth,” among sportsmen, hunters don’t follow far behind. When returning from a deer hunt, a fellow hunter might say, “No luck? I don’t see any antlers. Nothing to shoot today?”

My obvious response would be, “Antlers? You must think I will shoot any deer that walks by. I didn’t shoot today because I was waiting for just the right animal.”

The other sportsman might go away suitably impressed — or just think I was crazy.

When I say, “I’m waiting for just the right animal,” I mean I’m waiting for any deer actually stupid enough to walk near my stand within range and present a close, easy shot that even I couldn’t possibly miss. I don’t care if it’s a buck or a doe as long as it’s legal. For me, that’s the right kind of animal.

John N. Felsher is the managing editor of Sport Fishing magazine and an award-winning freelance writer, photographer, broadcaster and media consultant. He’s been published in such magazines as Outdoor Life, Field and Stream, Sports Afield, Arkansas Sportsman and many other publications. Contact him through his Web site at www.JohnNFelsher.com.

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