Sports

QUOTES CAN BE MISLEADING

By Harry King/SPORTS COMMENTARY
Saturday, July 26, 2008 11:09 PM CDT

LITTLE ROCK — “Coachspeak: The Sequel,” is a must-read to interpret quotes during the upcoming football season.

Published by K. Rockne Publishing, it is a follow-up to the fictitious “What Coaches Mean When They Say ...”

The original was such a smash that chapters on “Stepping Up” and “Taking it to the Next Level” are still used religiously by coaches today. The latest compilation of anonymous quotes includes an introduction co-authored by Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno, two of the men who were around when coaches first became guarded about their answers.

The latest publication includes a chapter for each position on the team and a chapter encompassing all phases of the kicking game with footnotes about numerous ways to say that special teams are an equal part of the football triumvirate with offense and defense.

In this gripping page-turner, quarterback gets the most attention, as usual. Some snippets gleaned from the make-believe chapter:

—”He doesn’t have a rocket arm, but his arm strength is sufficient.” In other words, the deep sideline pattern, anything over the middle, and the go route are off limits.

—”He’s like a coach on the field.” Two steps too slow.

—”He makes great decisions.” He knows the hole-in-the-wall that has the best deep-dish supreme pizza in town.

—”He just needs to be a caretaker.” Hand the ball to the right guy and get out of the way.

—”He needs to work on his touch.” Shaq has more touch on his free throws than this guy does on a swing pass.

—”He has excellent peripheral vision.” Too bad, he has a weeny arm.

—”He needs to work on reading coverages.” He couldn’t tell a zone from a man to man if the cornerback was attached at the hip to the wide receiver.

—”He has ice water in his veins.” And no blood pumping to his heart.

—”He should be efficient at getting us in and out of the huddle.” Get the play from the sideline and run it.

—”There is no quarterback controversy.” The starter lost a game and his back-up has had a smidgen of success.

—”He plays with a swagger.” We’d be better off if he could run fast.

—”He doesn’t get his team beat.” He is incapable of improvisation.

There’s much more about field generals and signal callers, but it’s time to move on to descriptions of players at other positions.

Wide receivers and running backs are popular topics:

—”He’s a possession receiver.” He can’t outrun a cornerback in the conference.

—”He runs the deep route to perfection.” He can’t block and won’t go across the middle and we only go long twice a game.

—”He can hit a home run at any time.” Maybe, he’ll opt for baseball.

—”He is so patient about waiting for blocks.” With his speed, he has no choice.

—”He can change directions with the best.” He’s afraid to hit the prescribed hole.

Here is a smattering of the others:

—The offensive lineman “runs well for a man his size.” If he gets in shape, he could be effective.

—The linebacker has a “nose for the ball” and, therefore, is “always in the right place.” Too bad, he can’t tackle.

—The safety is “excellent at run support.” He can’t cover a statue.

—The punt returner has “sure hands.” He’s got no chance to break one.

Now, you’re ready for some football.